Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I wish I could veto my bills.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell