I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Just say no
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
What flavor cupcake are these
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
any last words?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.