It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
#SuperBowl
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…