I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
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Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
who wants to go expliring
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”