Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again