CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.