Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Safety first
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
😂😂
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.