Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
yea so i messed up lol
emergency phone
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Phonetics
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
When you let grandma cat sit
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.