Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game