“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Haha good job!!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?