You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.