SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.