ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.