Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.