*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Great Canadian literature.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
everyone has that one prude friend
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.