Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Autocarrot sucks!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.