Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
favorite tropes as memes
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The internet is full of many things
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.