Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
gentlemen, hear me out
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.