As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Wednesday
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
this has done me in for some reason
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.