Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
You Might Also Like
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan