[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Oops
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.