The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.