Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
How your email finds me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Should I call tech support or pray or what