*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.