What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
LOL!
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right