Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
me irl
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.