Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.