In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra