Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
concern
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that