uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
black phone good
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”