When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Unexpected Judgment