Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
🚲+physics = winner
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The answer is funnier than the question
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek