me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome