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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Nothing to do, you say?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m sure it’s fine.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.