1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You Might Also Like
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
How dramatic are you?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting