If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Rambo Rambow
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight