And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?