dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Cndnsd Mlk
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
work smarter, not harder
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Admin smashed it 😂
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show