[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly