Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this