“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
BaD BoY!!
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.