Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You Might Also Like
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Thursday Thought.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”