It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.