Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
english majors be like furthermore
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?