The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Ha.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk