I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Time for evil
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My therapist after every session
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped