*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha