I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18