I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..