Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Print is alive and well!!!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
haha same
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?